O2 Letter

O2 Complaint Review Service
PO BOX 302
DUNSTABLE
LU6 9GN

14th December 2012

Dear O2 employee person,

Thank you for reading my letter, it means a lot to me. I'm going to tell you a little story and then, at the end of the story, you can decide whether you think it is fair. If you don't think it is fair I'd be ever so grateful if you could do something about it. I realise you probably won't, but it has to be worth a try and to be completely honest I'm sick of watching YouTube clips of Gloria Estefan in concert so this seems a more productive way of spending my time.

I wish I knew your name, but alas this faceless corporate culture means I'm dealing with an unknown. I'm going to call you Gordon. I don't know why I am going to call you Gordon I just am Gordon.

So Gordon, when the iPhone 5 came out I went and got one from your shop in Falmouth, Cornwall. I like the iPhone, not in a 'Steve Jobs was the messiah and I wish I had some of his hair' kind of way, more of a, 'this is what I've had for years and I can't be arsed changing now' kind of way.

Anyway less than three months in to a 24 month contract my iPhone has broken. The wi-fi option has gone grey and I can't turn it on. It's a bit like being in bed with an attractive woman but not being able to get a stiffy. So my friend Peter tells me. I regret this. You're plainly aware I don't have a friend called Peter and that I have erectile dysfunction. But never mind let us continue.

So I went back to the O2 store, I said "hello sir my iPhone is broken, can you give me a new one?"

He said, "no bruv, I cannot do that right, because I have to send it off to Apple for them to fix it right, and it takes 10 working days right".

I said "oh, that's not very good, I've only had it a little while and it's costing me a lot of money"

He said "WHY ARE YOU REPEATIDLY STRIKING ME WITH A BRASS HORSE SHOE FROM CANCER RESEARCH YOU NUTTER, CALL THE POLICE BRENDA"

He didn't really, he said some other stuff that can be summarised as follows:

We realise the phone has broken through no fault of your own and despite you paying us £200 up-front and £41 a month for two years which amounts to over £1,100 you'd have no phone for two weeks.

Dissatisfied and becoming increasingly irritated I bought an erotic novel, after that I called Apple. They were slightly more helpful and provided me with three options.

1. Collect and return. 10 working day turnaround.
2. Go into an apple store, they'll probably replace it.
3. A doorstep swap, costing £25 and a £700 deposit until the phone you surrender can be verified.

Now I liked option three, that seemed to make sense. Their phone had broken so they send someone round to give me a new one. I am paying a lot of money after all. However I don't have £700 of available credit and resent paying £25.

So let's review option two. No that's terrible. I live miles from an Apple Store.

So then we're back to option one which is the same as the option your colleague gave me Gordon. I'm not happy with that option at all but I think you're aware of that Gordon.

All in all I'm what might be described as a "knob" by some people and a "dissatisfied customer" by those in a corporate capacity.

I'm old fashioned in that if I'm paying an excessive monthly tariff for something and it breaks itself I'd expect it to be replaced as quickly and conveniently as possible. I don't want to wait, pay money or drive 160 miles.

When my computer broke, I only had to send Hewlett Packard 103 emails and then 6 months later I got a new hard-drive. Hang on that's a bad example.

When the VW garage did a terrible job on my car I sent them a letter and they ignored it and sent me a completely irrelevant template letter back. No. Hang on Gordon I'll think of one shortly.

No I can't think of one. But you get my drift. My phone has broken and I want a new one pretty quickly.

Can you help me Gordon?

Sincerely,

Dan Morgan

Knobs in suits

I've never really paid much attention to politics, I always assumed that the democratic structure of the country and the well informed, educated, rational people involved were making the right decisions. I now realise there's no rational process, democracy stands for nothing and this country is basically ran by a load of knobs in suits.

First the NHS. The overwhelming majority of the UK do not want privatisation, mainly because we've seen the mess America is in. Yet it's heading that way. Why? Because the politicians who control government policy stand to make private profit from it. Forget conspiracy this is in plain view and well documented. It's the same dynamic that was true of the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan, but that's another story.

Then there's more recent things like a 6 year study into drug use and the legality around it. Basically the government is wasting £3bn a year trying to tackle illegal drugs. If it altered its policies slightly it could save that money. Do you know what the government's response to this report was: 

"we remain confident that our ambitious approach to tackling drugs - outlined in our drugs strategy - is the right one". 

So basically they're patting the UK Drug Policy Commission on the head and saying "great research chaps but we're going to stick with what we've got". What massive bell ends.

And what about the badgers. I realise shooting a few black and white stripey bastards doesn't compare to health-care, wars and drugs but it's another example of the government making decisions against either; the public or research/expert advice. The government's science adviser said:

 "it's a bad idea you dicks, it'll probably increase the amount of TB"

In so many words. Then other scientists, wildlife experts and Brian May (?) signed a petition to back this up... yet, surprise, surprise, they're still going ahead with it. I've currently got a loft full of scared badgers.

So essentially this is how it works; we vote for some dicks in suits and they then go against all their promises, ignore the public, ignore the facts and do whatever the f*ck they want to line their own pockets.

Surely to be a true democracy we should be voting on the decisions. If the majority of the UK can log-in to use facebook and twitter surely we could have a system that allows us to log-on and vote on decisions that need making. Then the power is taken away from the knobs in suits and handed back to the people who give a sh*t. But then that would be far too rational and sensible.

Monday morning rant over. I love square crisps.

Fixing the Limp

Dear Sports Rehabilitators, Fitness Trainers, Muscle Experts, Doctors and scarily intelligent sheep dogs,

I broke my femur 3 years ago. I was being a knob on a skateboard. The surgeon put, what looks like, a shelving bracket in my leg which fixed it.

The fracture feels fine but my thigh muscle feels rubbish, almost like all of the muscle is bunched up at the front. I walk with a limp but not a cool one like a man who manages prostitutes. I can't run or hop. I used to like hopping.

I've stretched it a lot, I've focused on it in the gymnasium. I've had a couple of deep tissue massages. No change.

Should I accept this is as good as it gets or are there other things I can do?

I can't say I'd be disappointed if I couldn't run again, I hate running but it is handy sometimes, like when you're being chased by an angry cat or if I'm late for an appointment at the GUM clinic.

Thank you in advance.

Yours Sincerely,

MorgyFace