No payment... no goods.

In case you don't know, I do stuff on a computer for a living, mainly website building and pornography "research". What's that "you don't make money out of looking at filth", silence, this is my blog post.

Throughout my career (I use that term loosely) I have struggled with the concept of invoice "terms" and having to wait for payment. If you go into Asda you would not say, to the cashier, "Hello Vicky, I'll pay for this haddock at the end of the next calendar month" shortly before you strut out the door with a lovely white fillet.

I can hear you say, "that's a load of rubbish, what about being on account or finance, surely that means you can wait to pay?". Well it does but the difference is the seller is offering you that option, you're not dictating how you're going to pay. You've had the goods and you have to pay for them using the method the seller chooses. That's how "buying" things works.

However in "business" it's somehow deemed okay to choose when you pay... well guess what, it's not flippin' acceptable, it's a load of old jizz stained tissue and this idiot right here in the threadbare y-fronts is encouraging you to take a stand.

I used to tolerate slow payment, it was a bit like how a rambler inevitably treads in a cowpat, it comes with the territory. Shitty walking boots. Bad smell in the porch.

But why should anyone have to wait a month or more to be paid? It's 2013, there's email, electronic banking and skype... there's no explanation you can give me to justify why it should take any longer than a few days to pay for something you've taken receipt of.

On more than one occasion I even had to resort to taking websites back down. In one instance the client, who had avoided me for 6 weeks, calls me within minutes, all irate and shouty faced, asking for my bank details. The money is then in my account instantly but the client-supplier relationship is ruined, he's been made to look like a right baggy bum hole. Granted it all would've been avoided if he'd simply taken two minutes to make a payment online. But he doesn't see it like that, I've apparently "hounded" him, "pressured" him and resorted to "underhand tactics". The dick. It was payment for work I had done, for a website that he was using to make money for himself and somehow I'm in the wrong?

But then I did some sub-contract work for a larger company, they told me "we ask for a deposit up-front and the rest once the project is complete but before it goes live". I thought that was a very good idea.

Once I adopted that approach, I noticed clients who normally paid me by Algerian postal-order 20 weeks after they'd acknowledged an invoice suddenly had electronic banking and were able to pay me within hours. It was quite remarkable. Previously it was all about their accountant being in once a week and there not being a director to sign a cheque or "we'll give the accounts department a nudge again".

Previously I would've had to persuade clients to pay using tales of impoverishment, embarrassing myself and those involved into paying me for work I'd already done. But that all changed once I said "you can have the goods once I've had the money".

So here's some advice to those of you who work for yourself, for those of you with terrible cash-flow like me, make sure there is always incentive for the client to pay. Ask for some pennies up-front and then for the rest once you've done what it is that you do, but do not let them have the end product until you're in receipt of that money... if you do, you will wait, mark my words, you'll be made to wait by your most favourite client, you'll have to moan at them to get your pounds. And although you are entitled to that money you'll have to nag to get it and all that whinging will affect what you once had, the dreamy slow waltz transformed into a violent drum & bass dance-off between two chavy girls with no knickers on.

My clients are now wonderful and pay on time without reminder, I was only prompted to create this post as I stupidly made an exception. I let a site go live prior to payment. I am an idiot. A broke, nagging wazzock...

Weeks ago in this very dance hall a lovely couple glided around to the soothing sound of Chris Rea, a bright future ahead of them, perhaps even a weekend at Center Parcs. But now all that exists is two badly dressed girls, teeth missing, arms thrusting, terrible repetitive electronic music. ASBO inevitable. Pervert with his hands down his trousers in the shadows.

I only have myself to blame.

Remember, maintain that incentive... "no payment... no goods".

O2 Letter

O2 Complaint Review Service
PO BOX 302
DUNSTABLE
LU6 9GN

14th December 2012

Dear O2 employee person,

Thank you for reading my letter, it means a lot to me. I'm going to tell you a little story and then, at the end of the story, you can decide whether you think it is fair. If you don't think it is fair I'd be ever so grateful if you could do something about it. I realise you probably won't, but it has to be worth a try and to be completely honest I'm sick of watching YouTube clips of Gloria Estefan in concert so this seems a more productive way of spending my time.

I wish I knew your name, but alas this faceless corporate culture means I'm dealing with an unknown. I'm going to call you Gordon. I don't know why I am going to call you Gordon I just am Gordon.

So Gordon, when the iPhone 5 came out I went and got one from your shop in Falmouth, Cornwall. I like the iPhone, not in a 'Steve Jobs was the messiah and I wish I had some of his hair' kind of way, more of a, 'this is what I've had for years and I can't be arsed changing now' kind of way.

Anyway less than three months in to a 24 month contract my iPhone has broken. The wi-fi option has gone grey and I can't turn it on. It's a bit like being in bed with an attractive woman but not being able to get a stiffy. So my friend Peter tells me. I regret this. You're plainly aware I don't have a friend called Peter and that I have erectile dysfunction. But never mind let us continue.

So I went back to the O2 store, I said "hello sir my iPhone is broken, can you give me a new one?"

He said, "no bruv, I cannot do that right, because I have to send it off to Apple for them to fix it right, and it takes 10 working days right".

I said "oh, that's not very good, I've only had it a little while and it's costing me a lot of money"

He said "WHY ARE YOU REPEATIDLY STRIKING ME WITH A BRASS HORSE SHOE FROM CANCER RESEARCH YOU NUTTER, CALL THE POLICE BRENDA"

He didn't really, he said some other stuff that can be summarised as follows:

We realise the phone has broken through no fault of your own and despite you paying us £200 up-front and £41 a month for two years which amounts to over £1,100 you'd have no phone for two weeks.

Dissatisfied and becoming increasingly irritated I bought an erotic novel, after that I called Apple. They were slightly more helpful and provided me with three options.

1. Collect and return. 10 working day turnaround.
2. Go into an apple store, they'll probably replace it.
3. A doorstep swap, costing £25 and a £700 deposit until the phone you surrender can be verified.

Now I liked option three, that seemed to make sense. Their phone had broken so they send someone round to give me a new one. I am paying a lot of money after all. However I don't have £700 of available credit and resent paying £25.

So let's review option two. No that's terrible. I live miles from an Apple Store.

So then we're back to option one which is the same as the option your colleague gave me Gordon. I'm not happy with that option at all but I think you're aware of that Gordon.

All in all I'm what might be described as a "knob" by some people and a "dissatisfied customer" by those in a corporate capacity.

I'm old fashioned in that if I'm paying an excessive monthly tariff for something and it breaks itself I'd expect it to be replaced as quickly and conveniently as possible. I don't want to wait, pay money or drive 160 miles.

When my computer broke, I only had to send Hewlett Packard 103 emails and then 6 months later I got a new hard-drive. Hang on that's a bad example.

When the VW garage did a terrible job on my car I sent them a letter and they ignored it and sent me a completely irrelevant template letter back. No. Hang on Gordon I'll think of one shortly.

No I can't think of one. But you get my drift. My phone has broken and I want a new one pretty quickly.

Can you help me Gordon?

Sincerely,

Dan Morgan

Knobs in suits

I've never really paid much attention to politics, I always assumed that the democratic structure of the country and the well informed, educated, rational people involved were making the right decisions. I now realise there's no rational process, democracy stands for nothing and this country is basically ran by a load of knobs in suits.

First the NHS. The overwhelming majority of the UK do not want privatisation, mainly because we've seen the mess America is in. Yet it's heading that way. Why? Because the politicians who control government policy stand to make private profit from it. Forget conspiracy this is in plain view and well documented. It's the same dynamic that was true of the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan, but that's another story.

Then there's more recent things like a 6 year study into drug use and the legality around it. Basically the government is wasting £3bn a year trying to tackle illegal drugs. If it altered its policies slightly it could save that money. Do you know what the government's response to this report was: 

"we remain confident that our ambitious approach to tackling drugs - outlined in our drugs strategy - is the right one". 

So basically they're patting the UK Drug Policy Commission on the head and saying "great research chaps but we're going to stick with what we've got". What massive bell ends.

And what about the badgers. I realise shooting a few black and white stripey bastards doesn't compare to health-care, wars and drugs but it's another example of the government making decisions against either; the public or research/expert advice. The government's science adviser said:

 "it's a bad idea you dicks, it'll probably increase the amount of TB"

In so many words. Then other scientists, wildlife experts and Brian May (?) signed a petition to back this up... yet, surprise, surprise, they're still going ahead with it. I've currently got a loft full of scared badgers.

So essentially this is how it works; we vote for some dicks in suits and they then go against all their promises, ignore the public, ignore the facts and do whatever the f*ck they want to line their own pockets.

Surely to be a true democracy we should be voting on the decisions. If the majority of the UK can log-in to use facebook and twitter surely we could have a system that allows us to log-on and vote on decisions that need making. Then the power is taken away from the knobs in suits and handed back to the people who give a sh*t. But then that would be far too rational and sensible.

Monday morning rant over. I love square crisps.

Fixing the Limp

Dear Sports Rehabilitators, Fitness Trainers, Muscle Experts, Doctors and scarily intelligent sheep dogs,

I broke my femur 3 years ago. I was being a knob on a skateboard. The surgeon put, what looks like, a shelving bracket in my leg which fixed it.

The fracture feels fine but my thigh muscle feels rubbish, almost like all of the muscle is bunched up at the front. I walk with a limp but not a cool one like a man who manages prostitutes. I can't run or hop. I used to like hopping.

I've stretched it a lot, I've focused on it in the gymnasium. I've had a couple of deep tissue massages. No change.

Should I accept this is as good as it gets or are there other things I can do?

I can't say I'd be disappointed if I couldn't run again, I hate running but it is handy sometimes, like when you're being chased by an angry cat or if I'm late for an appointment at the GUM clinic.

Thank you in advance.

Yours Sincerely,

MorgyFace

Beer Club.

There is a book called "1001 Beers You Must Try Before You Die", we will refer to it as 'The Book'.

Beer club is about drinking the beer in the book.

The deadline for achieving the goal is 2020 which means we need to consume around 2-3 beers per week.

This isn't some prick-lick student game, it's not about getting pissed and pushing Stephen in a bin, or urinating in a shampoo bottle, it’s about tasting and enjoying some of the best beers from around the world, it's about being resourceful and consistent.

You'll soon discover that maintaining the 2-3 beer a week requirement is not easy. Initially it'll be a piece of piss as there’s plenty of English beers in the book, a lot of which can be found in your local supermarket, but after you’ve ticked them off the list it’s going to get tricky. In fact I reckon a good chunk of the beers will only be obtainable by visiting the country they originate from!

So get involved, buy the book and start drinking. There’s no prize, no membership fee and no requirements other than being honest and keeping us all updated by posting your progress on here once in while.

Obviously the goal is to be the first person to consume all 1001 beers.

If you flick through the book and see a beer you 'think' you've drank, it doesn’t count, you have to KNOW you have drank it, so if in doubt get it down your throat (not only does that not rhyme it also conjures up images of gagging on a penis, sorry).

Here's the links to buy the book:
Amazon.co.uk
Waterstones
Play.com
Tesco

If you tweet about Beer Club use the #BeerClub hashtag.

Good luck and may the ale be with you.

@morgyface

A guide to not being a knob when it comes to selling stuff via Twitter.

WARNING. This article contains lots of swear words and sensitive people might even consider it aggressive. Do not read it if you're offended by swear words... you arsehole.

If you think real people will continue following you if you repeatedly tweet links to 'fantastic offers!!!' on your website then you're a knob, a stupid knob.

You're probably thinking "but my account has loads of followers and that's what I do". Well guess what stupid knob face they're all doing the same as you, they're worthless. The only followers worth having are REAL humans, not automated one-way tweeting robots.

So now you're thinking "so how do I get real people following me?". Well you show your personality, if it's a shit personality just be nice and be human.

Tweet regularly but not too frequently, tweet about yourself and your interests, current affairs, music, film etc and occasionally about the industry you're involved in. Make it personal and link to your business site now and again (once a day-ish). Too many external links are a bad idea generally unless they're VERY good, otherwise they're wasting peoples time.

Re-tweet when you read something good. People like it when you re-tweet, it will get you brownie points and people are less likely to unfollow you as you become a valuable 'follower generator'.

Don't sound like a wanky advert.

If you are going to tweet about your products be sincere and don't sound like a wanky advert.

Example 1: Visit our website for the best deals on amazing stuffed badgers!!! http://www.link.com

Example 2: So I've just spent three hours adding some new badgers to our site, they are genuinely good, take a look if you get chance: http://www.link.com (sorry for being a prick) <- don't put this

So obviously the first one is a load of shit, the second one is less shit, the difference is that the second one is human, it will be tolerated by many and clicked on by a few. The first one will result in unfollows.

You need to follow people too, don't follow every account though, read some of their tweets and look at where they are based, if they're a real person and not a twat follow them back, it might even be worth saying hello to them, to show you're a human being. Don't follow thousands either, you have to limit it or you'll never be able to engage or get to know the tweeters you are following.

Your profile picture... tricky one this... it's always good to have a picture of yourself, especially if you're good to look at. A picture adds personality to your account but then you also want to reinforce your brand so perhaps add a background to your account that shows your logo etc.

Search & Destroy.

Example. You search for "stuffed badgers" and find someone who has tweeted "I wish I could find decent stuffed badgers online", don't respond with "Visit our website for the best deals on amazing stuffed badgers!!! http://www.link.com" you dick.

Respond with something like "Hi Frank, Not wanting to be a spammy arsehole (maybe change that bit) but noticed you're looking for stuffed badgers and we sell them, let me know if you want more info."

Give your badgers away.

Also give away free stuff but be clever about it, don't just put a link to a competition page on your site you bell-end, make it twitter orientated.

Example: "The best tweet about badgers gets a signed stuffed badger from us. "

And then there's stuff like including your twitter address on your website, emails and marketing material, and when you do sell something via another route ask the customer if they're on twitter and get their username so you can send them a lovely thank-you tweet... sigh.

So do all this kind of stuff and you'll build up followers, followers that will evolve to be your target audience, but don't expect overnight results it will take a LONG time, but then imagine the value in having 2000 real humans following you who have a genuine interest in stuffed badgers.

Right that's all I have to say, ultimately be a human.

Oh I can hear you saying "why is this chap so angry and sweary" well I'll tell you, because it annoys the shit out of me that people are so clueless on this and have not worked it out for themselves. No one wants to be blasted in the face with spammy bollocks, it's fucking irritating, people want to engage with other people and if your job is selling something then people can live with that and might even buy from you, but don't be an anonymous autotwat.

Oh and follow me on twitter, I don't abide by these rules as I'm not selling anything, I just tweet absolute bollocks.

A very strange place

The internet is a very strange place

On a blog for no-one ... a man with no face

He gave me evil looks through his neck

He made me worry like a nervous wreck

I broke free from his glare with a double click

Ran through cyberspace... I was feeling sick

I found a bloke who wanted to make me rich

He asked for my bank details, I was getting a stitch

I took a turning down a fibre optic line

But the data transfer was too high, I incurred a fine

Finally reached a place that was pleasant on the eyes

A beautiful woman with huge silicon pies

She gave me a wink and beckoned me in

But all ended badly because this girl was a him