Beer Club.

There is a book called "1001 Beers You Must Try Before You Die", we will refer to it as 'The Book'.

Beer club is about drinking the beer in the book.

The deadline for achieving the goal is 2020 which means we need to consume around 2-3 beers per week.

This isn't some prick-lick student game, it's not about getting pissed and pushing Stephen in a bin, or urinating in a shampoo bottle, it’s about tasting and enjoying some of the best beers from around the world, it's about being resourceful and consistent.

You'll soon discover that maintaining the 2-3 beer a week requirement is not easy. Initially it'll be a piece of piss as there’s plenty of English beers in the book, a lot of which can be found in your local supermarket, but after you’ve ticked them off the list it’s going to get tricky. In fact I reckon a good chunk of the beers will only be obtainable by visiting the country they originate from!

So get involved, buy the book and start drinking. There’s no prize, no membership fee and no requirements other than being honest and keeping us all updated by posting your progress on here once in while.

Obviously the goal is to be the first person to consume all 1001 beers.

If you flick through the book and see a beer you 'think' you've drank, it doesn’t count, you have to KNOW you have drank it, so if in doubt get it down your throat (not only does that not rhyme it also conjures up images of gagging on a penis, sorry).

Here's the links to buy the book:
Amazon.co.uk
Waterstones
Play.com
Tesco

If you tweet about Beer Club use the #BeerClub hashtag.

Good luck and may the ale be with you.

@morgyface

A guide to not being a knob when it comes to selling stuff via Twitter.

WARNING. This article contains lots of swear words and sensitive people might even consider it aggressive. Do not read it if you're offended by swear words... you arsehole.

If you think real people will continue following you if you repeatedly tweet links to 'fantastic offers!!!' on your website then you're a knob, a stupid knob.

You're probably thinking "but my account has loads of followers and that's what I do". Well guess what stupid knob face they're all doing the same as you, they're worthless. The only followers worth having are REAL humans, not automated one-way tweeting robots.

So now you're thinking "so how do I get real people following me?". Well you show your personality, if it's a shit personality just be nice and be human.

Tweet regularly but not too frequently, tweet about yourself and your interests, current affairs, music, film etc and occasionally about the industry you're involved in. Make it personal and link to your business site now and again (once a day-ish). Too many external links are a bad idea generally unless they're VERY good, otherwise they're wasting peoples time.

Re-tweet when you read something good. People like it when you re-tweet, it will get you brownie points and people are less likely to unfollow you as you become a valuable 'follower generator'.

Don't sound like a wanky advert.

If you are going to tweet about your products be sincere and don't sound like a wanky advert.

Example 1: Visit our website for the best deals on amazing stuffed badgers!!! http://www.link.com

Example 2: So I've just spent three hours adding some new badgers to our site, they are genuinely good, take a look if you get chance: http://www.link.com (sorry for being a prick) <- don't put this

So obviously the first one is a load of shit, the second one is less shit, the difference is that the second one is human, it will be tolerated by many and clicked on by a few. The first one will result in unfollows.

You need to follow people too, don't follow every account though, read some of their tweets and look at where they are based, if they're a real person and not a twat follow them back, it might even be worth saying hello to them, to show you're a human being. Don't follow thousands either, you have to limit it or you'll never be able to engage or get to know the tweeters you are following.

Your profile picture... tricky one this... it's always good to have a picture of yourself, especially if you're good to look at. A picture adds personality to your account but then you also want to reinforce your brand so perhaps add a background to your account that shows your logo etc.

Search & Destroy.

Example. You search for "stuffed badgers" and find someone who has tweeted "I wish I could find decent stuffed badgers online", don't respond with "Visit our website for the best deals on amazing stuffed badgers!!! http://www.link.com" you dick.

Respond with something like "Hi Frank, Not wanting to be a spammy arsehole (maybe change that bit) but noticed you're looking for stuffed badgers and we sell them, let me know if you want more info."

Give your badgers away.

Also give away free stuff but be clever about it, don't just put a link to a competition page on your site you bell-end, make it twitter orientated.

Example: "The best tweet about badgers gets a signed stuffed badger from us. "

And then there's stuff like including your twitter address on your website, emails and marketing material, and when you do sell something via another route ask the customer if they're on twitter and get their username so you can send them a lovely thank-you tweet... sigh.

So do all this kind of stuff and you'll build up followers, followers that will evolve to be your target audience, but don't expect overnight results it will take a LONG time, but then imagine the value in having 2000 real humans following you who have a genuine interest in stuffed badgers.

Right that's all I have to say, ultimately be a human.

Oh I can hear you saying "why is this chap so angry and sweary" well I'll tell you, because it annoys the shit out of me that people are so clueless on this and have not worked it out for themselves. No one wants to be blasted in the face with spammy bollocks, it's fucking irritating, people want to engage with other people and if your job is selling something then people can live with that and might even buy from you, but don't be an anonymous autotwat.

Oh and follow me on twitter, I don't abide by these rules as I'm not selling anything, I just tweet absolute bollocks.

A very strange place

The internet is a very strange place

On a blog for no-one ... a man with no face

He gave me evil looks through his neck

He made me worry like a nervous wreck

I broke free from his glare with a double click

Ran through cyberspace... I was feeling sick

I found a bloke who wanted to make me rich

He asked for my bank details, I was getting a stitch

I took a turning down a fibre optic line

But the data transfer was too high, I incurred a fine

Finally reached a place that was pleasant on the eyes

A beautiful woman with huge silicon pies

She gave me a wink and beckoned me in

But all ended badly because this girl was a him